Sunday, October 11, 2009

reflections on a spiritual path....or, Damn! I thought this would be easier!

Reflections on a Spiritual Path….or, Damn, I thought this would be easier!

I’ve been on a spiritual path for a very long time….perhaps many lifetimes. And while I am very glad for all of it, there are times when it just doesn’t make sense. Times when I wonder what I got myself into. Times when I curse loudly, “what the hell is this sh*t?” I guess I just thought it would be easier.

I am beginning to realize that I am a spiritual snob. I carry with me a sense of entitlement that, since I am on a ‘spiritual path’, I should therefore have immunity to certain so-called negative events on the earth plane. For goodness sakes, I’ve had my chakras balanced here! Been rolfed and had my chart transits studied! Sent reiki to starving people in other countries and prayed for world peace! You would think the karma credits would fall to the good side of the scale for a change!

So why the flat tire? I’m on a spiritual quest, here, should I not be immune to getting the common cold? Am I the only one having ‘that talk’ with God? You know, the one where you shake your fist at the sky, saying, hey, aren’t you watching? why me?? Why is (fill in the blank) _x_ happening to me/my loved one? Why don’t I have more _X_ (fill in the blank again).

Why is this? I say I am on a spiritual path, which is all about Surrender, and yet clearly, in my mind, I am keeping tally of positive this and negative that. doesn’t God know that if you are on a spiritual path you should never have a flat tire or lose a job? Perhaps I should have negotiated a better contract before incarnating. I claim to want to be in deeper relationship to What Lives Me yet I also ‘want’ stuff. I mean, yeah, I want world peace and an end to hunger and to be in the 12th stage of existence to help humanity, but I also really want those sketchers I saw in the window at the shoe store last year. I want them so bad there is a picture on my cell phone reminding me whenever I check my messages….they’re pretty jazzy sneakers, I forfeit their purchase in honor of paying my car insurance instead. These are times of one or the other, not both.

So here is the age-old question….why do ‘bad’ things happen to ‘good’ people? Why IS it so hard? Is someone upstairs not carefully tallying up our rights and wrongs? Is it, like, a math problem? Cuz I’m pretty sure I’m tipping toward the good side. I think. Although there was that day last week when I wouldn’t let that man into traffic. He was nasty.

All I can say is that I am working on absorbing what my teachers have shared with me….that these difficulties can be a blessing….that despite the so-called negative events, there is, always available to me, a Relationship with the Divine. I can always choose Happiness. Some days it may not be so easy. Some days I may curse a lot before remembering to meditate, commune, let go. But that option is always there. And through the ups and downs, there are nurturing friendships, a creative aliveness in my daily life that I can access if I put my attention on it. Through these storms I gain gifts and skills, which I then pass on to others. There is always just enough crunchy stuff poking me into Surrender to the Divine. There is no way to control the car issues, financial issues, and so forth. But I can cooperate with Grace. I can make that important to me, on a daily basis.

Now, about those sketchers....

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